Emptiness
It’s interesting how the mind works, how reading something innocuous, like this post from my good friend Khaled can bring an entire missive to life, to resurrect long dead feelings and amplify the mournful cry of emptiness in ones soul.
Time for some context.
It is a little known fact that I am a classically trained fine artist. I studied for three years with some of the finest living artists I have had the privilege to know at Asbury College. Going into the program my only real talent was drawing, if you can call it that, but while there I discovered that I had a deep love, if no talent for, painting and I am a gifted sculptor. It was at Asbury that I actually discovered what drawing was, and developed into a skilled drawer, specifically in the area of the figure.
Having never really tapped, or pushed my potential before this (I had always been a spare time kind of sketcher) I was not prepared for the emotional catharsis that every true artist experiences. The act of creation is one of will and emotion. A piece of art that influences and connects with people is one that with every stroke of the brush, every fall of the chisel, has been imbued with raw emotion taken from the reservoir that resides within the artist.
This in part explains the connection between art and healing. Programs of treatment like art therapy rely on the this catharsis of creation. This is all well and grand… except that as I said before, I was unprepared for this phenomenon.
My peers in the program had been studying art off and on most of their lives, via private instruction and various summer institutes. They were at least aware in some rudimentary way of this process and took the necessary steps to protect themselves.
I however walked into the program with no idea, and it nearly destroyed me.
There is within you a Valley
A valley that lives and flourishes drawing its life from the seas of emotion. It is in this valley that dreams are born, wonder takes wing and imagination reigns atop a throne of childish whimsy. It is here that the artist draws the emotion needed for creation.
And it was here that my downfall began. I had been unaware of the existence of this valley for 19 years; Left unchecked its gardens and forests grew tangled and unkempt, the sea was high and violent, a raging storm of chaos and energy waiting to be tapped. And tap it I did. In my sophomore year the levy broke and the sea surged forward… I was swept away in its fury and need. Once loosed the sea of emotion would not be denied and could not be contained.
I was completely consumed in creation, I would lose track of time and place; my focus was overriding and absolute. It was the most exhilarating time in my life, creation flowed from my fingertips and fell onto the canvas like an avalanche.
I would draw for hours eventually using my hands themselves to coax the image out of the paper, pushing and pulling the charcoal until my vision was realized. When I finally came back to reality, I would be covered to the elbows with vine charcoal.
In two years I literally drained myself of emotion. The great surging sea emptied and the valley withered until it was a barren wasteland. I became hollow and fallow inside, my will to create was gone, my talent had became a traitorous murderer destroying that which gave me meaning and purpose.
All seemed lost, I abandoned art and threw myself into other pursuits. Some of which you can find on this site.
That which cannot be denied.
Lately I have been noticed something. I can see again. The scales have fallen away from my eyes and I see beauty again; everywhere I look, every persons face. That which I have longed for is happening, I can feel the crash of the sea again inside me.
I see the world through the eyes of the artist again, and dear God it scares me to death.
As the years have rolled by I have begun to despair. I have been, and still am to a great extent paralyzed by fear. Fear that I have squandered what was entrusted to me. I can no longer fight the tidal forces that are rising within me, I will have to start again, but when I do will my talent rise to my summons, or will it have abandoned me?
Will years of neglect and disuse have eroded it away to nothingness, will I even remember how to use it? Will my hands and eyes remember their purpose? So many questions with only one answer, one terrifying answer.
I will know the answer soon. And I will share it with you.
Stroll on over and visit Basil
March 1, 2007
I think what you describe happens to many artists during their training. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard other artists mention periods like that. However, as you are finding, you cannot deny it. It will find it’s way out or drive you to insanity.
Stroll on over and visit Aubrey
March 1, 2007
Wish I had a long, well thought out response to this post, but I just wanted to say that I completely understand what it feels like to not want to create anymore. Very well written.
Stroll on over and visit Roddie
March 1, 2007
I have a hard time drawing a straight line freehand… :-)
Stroll on over and visit Chris J. Davis
March 1, 2007
Khaled,
Thanks for the response. As for not answering, your email was lost in a huge shuffle I had recently, I apologize. To publicly answer your email, I have self published two comics, both while in Highschool and they are embarrasing to even think about now.
The first was a teenage geeks nirvana, it was called “Druid” and had it all, magick, ninjas and Ireland. What more could you want?
The second was a little better, more of a social commentary that anything else, it was called “Routine Coincidence”.
They were both color cover/black and white interiors, and so expensive to make it was mind numbing.
I have fleshed out the concepts for 3 other comics since then, but I think I am officially going to try and develop “Fearsome Engine”.
Now, back to the article at hand. I have not been to jazzed about speaking to art, or my place in it lately due to what I wrote in this article. But I hope you are right my friend, I hope that it will come rushing back to me when I call for it.
I will let everyone know the moment I do.
Stroll on over and visit Chris J. Davis
March 1, 2007
Aubrey,
Thanks, it makes things easier when you know others can empathize.
Stroll on over and visit Tyler
March 1, 2007
Art is in the eye of the beholder. If it makes you happy, do it.
Stroll on over and visit khaled
March 1, 2007
I read this yesterday but I thought it prudent to answer straight away since it’s actually this kind of post that makes blogging seem soo much more. It’s a connection, and it’s amazing. I honestly had no idea you were a traditional artist.
You mentioned about your comic book work, but you never replied :), but I thought eh, something’s up. Don’t worry dude, take it from me, the SECOND you get that pencil in your hand, you’re going to come up with something that’s even more amazing than the last thing you ever did. I know the feeling of staying away from drawing for so long.
I had a massive panic attack over the summer because of this, maybe not panic attack but more like depression. I was looking at some of my paintings and I just thought, damn where did all that creativity go?
I’m here to tell you that once you’re back on the horse, you’ll be stronger than before. Whatever you do don’t let fear stop you. Don’t let other artists depress you. Just draw, and when you’re ready share.
It’s good to share :).
Stroll on over and visit kingbenny
March 1, 2007
Lately I have been noticed something. I can see again. The scales have fallen away from my eyes and I see beauty again; everywhere I look, every persons face.
Hooray, brother. I’ve noticed a similar phenomena since I took up songwriting over a year ago… it comes and goes, I guess, but I sure love the times when I see beauty/colors/little things that I never noticed before. And especially notice new things about the music I listen to. Keep it up, man, love your site.
Stroll on over and visit michaelm
March 1, 2007
Chris,
You are obviously an amazing writer and programmer in addition to your gift for visual art. Your story speaks to me on a many levels; I cannot even begin to express it here. I intuit that you will likely build unforseen connections across the media you work with. Thanks for sharing your experience so openly.
Respect,
michaelm
Stroll on over and visit Chris J. Davis
March 1, 2007
Hey Shawn,
Yeah, I have been reluctant to talk about art, it has been many years since I have felt I deserve to talk about it. One of the changes that are taking place here at Sillyness will deal with talking about art, both movements and individual artists in some detail as a monthly feature… hopefully.
As for the spark, I sincerely hope you are right, I guess we will know very soon won’t we?
Stroll on over and visit Shawn Grimes
March 1, 2007
Very well written Chris. I had no idea you were so passionate about art. I knew you were creative, that shows with the wealth of useful and well planned plugins you have adorned us with. I just didn’t know how deep your creativity went. This was a very insightful article and even it was filled with emotion. You still have the spark in you Chris, it shows through all the other ventures you have taken on. I would love to see some of your work once the waters get past the flood gates.
Stroll on over and visit Jennifer
March 1, 2007
Chris, you should share your drawings with us. I think Silly Art would be a fine page :)
Stroll on over and visit Carla
March 1, 2007
FWIW, I’m rooting you on (and praying for you).
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