Featured: Pink for October

Sillyness, werd


Entry: You might be Orthodox if…


 

Meta & Errata


Here is a short list of identifying behaviour, that could mean you have been assimilated… err you may be Orthodox.  This list found on The Onion Dome.

  1. You have an emergency head scarf in your glove compartment.
  2. You know all the take-out restaurants near your place of employment that serve meat-free, dairy-free meals.
  3. You think of peanut butter as one of the essential food groups.
  4. You think of shrimp as “vegan.”
  5. You have developed ways of stretching your legs while standing in place without drawing attention to yourself.
  6. You can’t describe your Sunday morning church service to co-workers without using foreign terms.
  7. You’ve ever gotten into an argument with somebody about the ingredients in marshmallows.
  8. History Channel shows about the Byzantine Empire make you wistful.
  9. Sending your misbehaving teenager off to a monastery on a Greek island doesn’t seem like a bizarre idea at all but a very practical one.
  10. Bestselling paperbacks containing obscure historical tidbits about the 4th century make you go, “Hey, that’s not the way it happened!”
  11. You use “icon” as a verb.
  12. You go to a friend’s wedding and wonder why the walls inside the church look so bare.
  13. The phrase “let us complete our prayers” doesn’t make you look at your watch.
  14. You know which brands of margarine are dairy-free.
  15. And buy them.
  16. Religious terms like ‘te deum’ or ‘mass’ in a book about pre-revolutionary Russia set your teeth on edge.
  17. You think “plagal” means “add 4.”
  18. Old calendar” doesn’t mean “last year’s calendar” to you.
  19. You use “ecumenist” as a swear-word, or have had it so used against you.
  20. You use “Metropolitan” as a noun. And you don’t mean the car.
  21. You automatically do mental arithmetic if somebody mentions a date, or the number of a psalm.
  22. You know of two distinct groups of people referred to as “the seventy” and know from context which is meant.
  23. Your answer to “Is the Pope Polish?” is “Rome or Alexandria?”
  24. You think of chicken as a luxury and shrimp as a staple.
  25. Georgia” makes you think of Tbilisi and not Atlanta.
  26. The phrase “both Catholic and Protestant” puts your nose out of joint.
  27. You think Rice Krispy™ bars are meat, but clams are not.

 

Comments & Pontifications


  1. personal avatar James
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    March 1, 2007

    Ha, good one.


  2. personal avatar srah
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    March 1, 2007

    What’s the deal with the meat and dairy? Do tell…


  3. personal avatar Chris J. Davis
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    March 1, 2007

    Very easy really, as an Orthodox Christian there are certian times of the year that you abstain from meat and dairy for varying timespans. So you get really aquainted with the vegan diet, especialy during Great and Holy Lent, the forty days and then some fast before Pascha(Easter).


  4. personal avatar James
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    March 1, 2007

    I was rolling when I read this list, so I shared it with a non-Orthodox friend who did not get even one of them.


  5. personal avatar Chris J. Davis
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    March 1, 2007

    I am so sorry, but again refer to #6 and insert list for service.


  6. personal avatar James
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    March 1, 2007

    Yeah, exactly.


  7. personal avatar srah
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    March 1, 2007

    I figured that there were parts of the year where the diet changed, but the list made such a big deal out of it, I thought that maybe you were *supposed* to do it all year long.

    Thanks for the explanation!


  8. personal avatar Chris J. Davis
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    March 1, 2007

    We are not supposed to do it all year long, but man at times it seems like it! We technically are fasting for the majority of the year.


  9. personal avatar Paul Zagoridis
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    March 1, 2007

    hehehe maybe that’s by I changed to Anglican? But I haven’t told the priest who performed my wedding yet.

    Man! Do I identify! Seemed like my Grandmother was on a “2 on 1 off” fasting roster.


  10. personal avatar Chris J. Davis
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    March 1, 2007

    Nice to have you by the blog Paul! We are always happy to here form our Anglican brothers. But I will ask you what I ask all whom convert from Orthodoxy to some other form of Christianity, How was the transition?


  11. personal avatar James
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    March 1, 2007

    Wow, I don’t hear of people going from Orthodox to Anglican very much. I’m sure it happens all the time, though. When I first attended an Anglican liturgy I thought I had entered into the closest thing to the Vatican this side of the Atlantic Ocean, but after seeing the Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom it pales in comparison.

    So, anyway Paul, what drew you into Anglicanism?


  12. personal avatar Paul Zagoridis
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    March 1, 2007

    Thanks for the welcome. James check you inbox for the long version. It started as a simple answer really.

    Sydney (Australia) Anglicans are conservative, evangelical, fundamentalists. I am merely conservative. Oh and in Sydney there is no incense, “high Church” liturgy. Many priests don’t even wear a collar.

    Christianity is a challenge, Anglicanism allowed me to face it simply without language or ritual barriers between me and it. I’m still a heretic to most.


  13. personal avatar Mr. Hibbity Gibbity
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    March 1, 2007

    Oh … I’m interested … tell me more.


  14. personal avatar Paul Zagoridis
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    March 1, 2007

    Here is a slightly edited version of the email I sent James. I’ve since sent it to my men’s fellowship too. Thanks James

    My apologies that it isn’t going to be a simple answer.

    I joined an Anglican Church in Sydney, Australia (where I live). Sydney Anglicans are conservative, evangelical, fundamentalists — curiously I am somewhat conservative but neither evangelical nor fundamentalist in the common meaning of those words. The rest of Anglicanism prays for Sydney and we pray for them. ;) The Episcopal Church features often on prayer notes. :)

    OK, I also am relatively new to all this so will probably a) get it wrong and b)offend people with deeply held beliefs - that is not intentional.

    I’m fundamentalist in the sense that the right church for me is bible focused. I don’t really want a priest to intercede on my behalf with God, and I don’t think church leaders can step away from the bible and still claim biblical truth or some inspired hotline to God’s will.

    My history becomes important here.

    I am culturally Greek (speak poor Greek), my family are Greeks from Romania. I have to go back four generations to find someone born in what is now Greece. We were Orthodox and spoke Greek, so that made us Greeks. To this day I identify as Greek-Australian (though I have some Jewish friends who are convinced I’m Jewish).

    Growing up, we attended church for weddings, baptisms and Easter (Good Friday night, Easter Saturday morning and again at midnight). I attended Catholic school because my parents preferred their higher educational standards over the state schools. Greek Orthodox schools did not exist in Australia at that time.

    My Catholic education included my First Confession, First Holy Communion and a lot of Hail Mary’s.

    When I was nine I asked my Mother “shouldn’t we go to church every Sunday?” She said “Paul, we’re Greeks and Greeks only have to go to church at Easter”. For the record my mother is now a Humanist!

    At fifteen years old I walked through a Mind Body Spirit festival in downtown Sydney, I saw people more connected with God as they understood Him than I’d seen in either Orthodox or Catholic congregations (though a Baptist uncle came close). I decided that Christianity did nothing for me and embarked on a journey to find God via the “New Age” — this was the early 1980’s.

    Shortly after, at 17, my parents separated and I started attending 12-step meetings. That gave me a weekly exercise in “turning my will and my life over to the care of God - as I understand Him”.

    Eventually I had a mostly Buddist view of theology.

    At 30 I had a wife (Nella, Italian-Australian, raised Catholic, but more 12-Step/New Age) and a 2 year-old daughter (Gabrielle). After attending a non-denominational worship service while away at a conference, Nella said she wanted to go to church with the baby. I thought that being raised in a worshipful community would be good for Gaby. I had rejected Christianity but had a basic grounding in it. I thought Gaby should be similarly empowered to make her own decisions. Also I was looking for “something” at the time. So I told Nella I’d join her.

    Now I had known some Christians over the years, and if I’d stayed with
    Christians whenever I’d travelled, I’d attend their services and bible studies. So I was open-minded.

    We rejected attending a Catholic church due to Nella’s upbringing and a nasty experience I had at Catholic wedding service (too long a story). At the time in Sydney there were no convenient Greek Orthodox services conducted in English. So that ruled them out.

    We attended a few local Protestant churches and found a small one where I couldn’t hide in the back rows. That would force me to be part of the congregation and community. We’ve been there 7 years.

    For me Sydney Anglicanism looks to the Bible as God’s word. While I’m almost considered the heretic of the congregation, I enjoy debate and discussion with the men there. They pray for me.

    James and Chris’ blog (among others) shows a vibrancy in Orthodoxy I thought had died out centuries ago. I am not sure I’d have stuck to Orthodoxy if I’d seen that vibrancy in Sydney, but I may have given it a chance. For me Sydney orthodoxy is still yaya’s and ritual kissing of the priests ring.

    The hardest challenge to my faith is the religious consevatism and ritual. I guess I’m conservative enough to accept bible-based reasons for actions and behaviour. But I remember Jesus shunned the Pharasees and sat with the sinners.

    Hope this gives you an idea of where I come from. Thanks to James who asked and prompted me writting it down.


  15. personal avatar Mr. Hibbity Gibbity
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    March 1, 2007

    Thank you Paul. It’s nice to finally hear someone out there voice my own opinions.

    Whew!


  16. personal avatar Chris J. Davis
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    March 1, 2007
    James and Chris’ blog (among others) shows a vibrancy in Orthodoxy I thought had died out centuries ago. I am not sure I’d have stuck to Orthodoxy if I’d seen that vibrancy in Sydney, but I may have given it a chance. For me Sydney orthodoxy is still yaya’s and ritual kissing of the priests ring.

    Hey thanks for posting that Paul. Your sentiment is a familiar one to those of us who are converts. It seems that in the past some of the older, more cultural jurisdictions have fallen into the pattern that you have described. We pray everyday that an awakening and rejuvination would take place in these areas, while also being mindful that American Orthodoxy faces these challenges in the years ahead.

    I am truly happy that you have found a home for your soul, and are able to bask in the love of the Holy Trinity with your family once again.


  17. personal avatar Gutless Wonder
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    March 1, 2007

    Fools


  18. personal avatar Chris J. Davis
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    March 1, 2007

    Thanks for that, and God bless you too.


  19. personal avatar YannaGretchen
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    March 1, 2007

    I am a former Protestant (most recently, Anglican) who has come to Orthodoxy. For me, “discovering” the liturgical tradition of Anglicanism is what pointed me toward reading the Church Fathers and toward exploring a historic view of Christianity - and thus, toward Orthodox Christianity itself.

    When one understands that the Holy Scriptures have flowed FROM THE CHURCH, and not vice versa, the question “What, then, is the nature of the Church?” comes easily. The writings of the Church Fathers, read without preconceptions, answer this question beyond imagination.

    I’m so glad that today I actually “get” most of the points on this list. :) Thanks to you all for your humor and candor.

    Pray for me, a sinner.
    -Yanna

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