Guity Pleasures

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I must admint that lately Crazy Apple Rumors has been one of my favorite stops on the web.

With the -radio edit- storm of Apple Rumors, it is nice to see a little inanity out there. I am seriously considering adding a left menu with my favorite rumor of the week.

I don't know yet. But until then, here are two gems for you: Linkback

Microsoft To Release MSN for Mac. No, Really.

In an act that has baffled many in the Macintosh community, Microsoft announced yesterday that it will bring its MSN service to Mac OS X in 2003.

"Really?" asked Macworld editor Rick LePage upon hearing the news. "Huh."

Thinking it over for a few moments, LePage added "Why?"

Indeed, that has been the question many have been asking.

MacAddict editor Rik Myslewski said "I'm sure I could come up with a number of very good reasons why Microsoft thought Macintosh users would be interested in being part of an online community centered around Apple's biggest rival."

Taking a big breath and slowly exhaling, Myslewski sat silent for several seconds.

"Well... maybe I can't. Nope! I guess I was wrong. I've got nothing. It's the damndest thing I've ever heard of."

Executives at Apple were equally taken aback by the announcement.

"I asked them five times," Apple CEO Steve Jobs said. "I said 'Are you sure you want to go to the trouble? Because you were a little upset about Office sales as I recall.' They said 'No, no! It'll be great! Mac users will finally get to do all kinds of fun stuff, like send email and surf the Internet and set up a Passport account!'"

Jobs shrugged and rolled his eyes. "I mean, what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to promote companies making software for OS X, not talk them out of it."

If MSN proves successful on the Mac, Microsoft's Mac Business Unit has said it might consider bringing Microsoft Money to the Mac, causing another collective groan from the Mac community.

"It's possible they're trying to punish us," Myslewski finally said. "Anybody think of that?"

And also: Linkback

Jaguar Release To Include Real Jaguars.

Excited about tomorrow night's release of Mac OS X 10.2, code named "Jaguar", Mac users where shocked to learn today that as part of a promotional gimmick, Apple will be releasing real jaguars in every Apple Store.

Located in the fine print of Apple's Jaguar release announcement is the footnote "*Includes the release of live jaguars. C'mon down!"

Responding to criticism from Macintosh users and consumer safety groups, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said "Boy, you people just complain about everything, don't you. '.Mac costs too much!' 'Jaguar costs too much!' 'I'm a-scared of live jaguars!'"

Jobs downplayed the danger involved in releasing jaguars in malls across the nation and denied it would be akin to setting up a giant buffet for the animals.

"Don't be a bunch of sissies!" Jobs said. "A maharishi in India taught me how to wrestle them years ago. Or maybe it was my spirit guide in the Brazilian rainforest... Well, whatever. It's easy!"

"The secret," Jobs explained slowly, "is to not let them bite you. OK?"

"Oh, and watch out for the claws, too. They're like razors. Rowr! Ha-ha!"

Industry analysts suspect this last-minute stunt may be a sign Apple is not entirely sure OS X 10.2 is bug-free.

"By keeping people away from the Apple Store," the New York Times' David Pogue speculated, "they reduce the number of people buying the update and the possibility of wide-spread negative backlash."

Apple representatives denied this was the case.

"I wish it were that simple," Apple Senior Vice President for Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller said. "It's really just that Steve has this whole 'Jaguar' thing going on."

"He's always saying things like 'Did you know the jaguar is the largest cat in the Americas?' Or 'Did you know the word jaguar means a beast that kills its prey with one bound?'"

"Yes, Steve. We know. You've only told us fifty times."

"Anyway," Schiller sighed, "we're still counting on people to come out and pick up a copy of Jaguar. But, if you're a slow runner or you have an open wound or have recently handled raw meat, feel free to order a copy from the Apple Store online instead."

Apple suggests that those planning on attending the release of Jaguar arrive in the middle of the day, when the sun is hot and the jaguars prefer to rest rather than hunt. Also, people should wear multiple layers of thick clothing and leave small children at home.

Yeah that was nice.